This time, Mr Sutton introduced me to a second Oncology nurse, Debbie. There was also someone else in the room, but to be honest, that day is quite blurry.
I could see bad news written all over their faces when they sat me down. The smile was wiped from my face. Mr Sutton, being very methodical, replayed the steps we'd taken so far with the cream, then the biopsy. I remember his next words clear as if he'd just spoken them. "Sarah, unfortunately the results have come back confirming what we thought this might be. You have Paget's disease of the nipple."
I must have worn him out over the next 10 minutes with "what does that mean", "so what does that mean", "what happens next". Not sure the poor surgeon got a word in edgeways after that!
So that was it. I finally knew what was wrong. And it meant that they were going to remove my nipple. I was very calm at the time and it felt like they were explaining over and over as they weren't expecting me to take it so well. Probably thinking that I wasn't fully taking it in. I was. I was absorbing it, so when Mr Sutton and the grey-haired nurse left, Debbie got the brunt of my tears and frustration. I immediately felt guilty for being upset as so many people have it worse! I mean, mine didn't even seem like a proper breast cancer. It was just a nipple, some people lose their entire breasts...but I want to breastfeed...but I've still got the other one. Will I still have the other one?! Is the other one ok? So many thoughts and worries and guilt over feeling awful...
I voiced these worries to Debbie and she sat there next to me, put her hand on my arm and said "No Sarah, it's shit. What's happening to you is shit." And I loved her for that.
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